Scaryduck's House of Lies

"I hope I die before I get old" sung King of Pop Cliff Richard as we pogoed round the dance-floor to his hip, swingin' rock'n'roll sounds. And good thing he didn't, otherwise he wouldn't have grown up, done the sex with Lulu and given music fans the raw talent of his son Little Richard. And let's not forget daughter Wendy who now stars in TV's Eastenders.

Other famous pop families include:

* Shakin' Stevens and his glamorous daughter Rachel
* Sonny Bono, and his sprog who's now in The U2: "Edge"
* Ringo Starr and his young 'un Freddie (who found fame as lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls)
* Murray "One Night In Bangkok" Head, whose fabled "One Night" which a two-dorrar floozie "Hey American! She a virgin you know!" led to the spawning of angst-ridden musical legends Radio Head
* Iggy Pop and his "real wild child" Cheggers Plays

And who can forget country music legend Don Williams, whose musical legacy is the greatest of them all: his loving son Robbie, who has since hit the big time with the classic "Angels" and loads of songs about bumming.

From Breadbin: Kelly Jones, Norah Jones, Aled Jones, Jesus Jones and their dad, Tom Jones, who form a family band: The Shits

The hard-working staff at the House of Lies are pleased to see Prince Charles’s marriage to Camilla Parker-Bowles going from strength-to-strength. His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall and Lord High Hung Like a Shire Horse recently answered a journalist’s question, “Your Highness, how is Camilla?” with the words “Really firm, fruity and gagging for it, the filthy mare”.

Still, it’s nice to see old people happy.

Drug-addled film stars Cheech and Chong are to remake the classic action movie “Speed” in their typical doped-up style. Watch out for the Keanu’s never-to-be-forgotten line “There’s a bong on the bus.”

A big screen version of cult TV classic “The A-Team” is to be sponsored by a famous breakfast cereal company.

At the end of the movie, after the bad guys have been roundly defeated by means of a series of loud, non-fatal explosions brought about by everyday household implements, and Mr T has “pitied the fools”, Hannibal Smith is contractually obliged to say “I love it when Alpen comes together.”

The Welsh version of the popular gameshow ‘Wheel of Fortune’ features no vowels, but allows contestants to buy an ‘L’ for 500 points.

On the other hand, such is the complexity of the language, a typical edition of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ on Chinese Television (top prize - three dogs and a chicken) lasts for 18 hours, and usually ends with one of the contestants dying of exhaustion.

The director of the top-secret Swedish Security and Intelligence Service goes under the code-name "Double-O Sven".

Comedy Manchester United & Everton defenders Gary and Phillip Neville's father is called (and I swear this bit is actual 100% truth) Neville Neville. So impressed was rock icon David Bowie with this sporting parent extraordinaire, he actually sat down and wrote a song about him:

"Neville Neville put on your dress
Neville Neville your face is a mess
Neville Neville how could they know?
Hot Tramp I love you so!"

The US White House strongly denies that the War on Terror is a complex government plot and a fiction designed solely to erode civil liberties and strengthen despotic laws over the people.

“Nothing can be further than the truth – this war is genuine, ongoing and being fought in the name of freedom, justice, preserving the American way of life and NOT, I repeat NOT whopping great profits for the oil industry”, said Bush spokesman Sam R. Binladen from his office in the East Wing of the White House. “Bloody infidels.”

The classic line “Get away from her, you bitch” spoken by Sigourney Weaver during the final fight scene in the film ‘Aliens’, was in fact unscripted. The original line of dialogue, as Ripley emerges in full body armour to battle the alien queen was “Does my bum look big in this?”

Russian president Vladimir Putin is the great-grandson of another famous Putin: the mad monk Ras Putin. To honour his infamous relative, the multi-talented Russian leader even wrote a song about him, which became a worldwide hit for Boney M. Oh, those Russians.

Britain's most popular brand of washing-up bowls, brushes and kitchen bins go under the name 'Addis' because they are made in Addis Ababa, and form Ethiopia's main export.

The recent conflict with Eritrea almost brought the Ethiopian kitchen supplies industry to its knees, leaving the door-to-door Kleen-Eze corporation - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Sudanese Ministry of Works - with a virtual monopoly.

In these days of terrorism, natural disasters and steadily rising oil prices, it is up to SCIENCE to come to the rescue of civilisation with the discovery of cheap, reliable and endless power sources. To this end, researchers have identified two great truisms of scientific knowledge and harnessed them for the good of the world:

* Toast will always land butter side down
* Cats will always land feet first

By gluing a cat to a piece of buttered toast, scientists have discovered a device that will never hit the ground, and when properly balanced, will spin endlessly, movement which can be harnessed in the generation of energy. Scaled up by employing tigers and patented “Pop Tart” technology, sufficient power can be produced to fulfil the needs of much of the developed world, the only by-product being cat poop, which is buried in the traditional style.

Using similar techniques, and by playing Paul McCartney’s “Frog Chorus” at the correct location, scientists have also been able to harness the power of John Lennon spinning in his grave to generate enough electricity to power most of the North West of England.

In his so-called literary masterpiece “1984”, George Orwell described a bleak world where we are ruled and dominated by a totalitarian and oppressive government obsessed with power.

Orwell reckoned Big Brother and his cronies could invade our homes through a small box in the corner of our living rooms, spy on us at all hours, track our very movements and thoughts and generally make our lives a misery with oppressive taxes, laws and misinformation. Wrong! That could never happen in our society. Think again George!

If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you may park anywhere you like without getting a ticket, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1979, where Arsenal's winning goal is officially credited to "rear spoiler".

Lucky Arsenal, indeed.

The world of entertainment and politics has been struck down by a highly contagious strain of Tourette’s Syndrome, causing disturbing levels of sweariness in public life. Amongst those affected are:

* George W Bush: "The war on terrorism CORKSUCKERS! must be won for the free world"
* Her Majesty the Queen: "It is my pleasure to declare this children's hospital BIG DOG'S MELONS!"
* Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "No, Wesley, we must respect the prime directive FROTTAGE! under all circumstances FROT ME UP!"
* Britney Spears: "Hit me baby one more time WITH YOUR HUGE TROUSER SAUSAGE!"
* His Holiness the Pope: “A blessed TICKLE ME WITH A FRENCH TICKLER SISTER WENDY ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! Easter to you all”
* Tony Blair: "I maintain there are weapons of mass destruction to be found UP MY WIFE'S GAPING BUNGHOLE!"
* Prince Charles: “So...err... how long have you been a CHEAP KNICKERLESS SLAAAAG!“

However, sources close to Buckingham Palace tell us that Prince Charles is completely free of infection, and he always speaks like that. The foul-mouthed *&%$!.

Elton John is to release a tribute record to mark the death of the late, lamented Ronnie Barker who died yesterday.

It'll be called "Four Candles in the Wind."

So what exactly, does the Master of the Rolls, Britain's top judicial post do? The answer to this question is a simple one: The Master of the Rolls is a traditional post, handed down through the centuries to the most senior judge in the country, usually after a legal career lasting many years, without falling asleep on the job.

He has seen causes celebres come and go, criminals, traitors, politicians and has handed down judgements in some of the most important cases in recent years, and it is now time for him to take it easy. The Master of the Rolls does one job and one job only - he is in charge of the lunch menu at the Old Bailey.

Following his “outing” as a drug user in the David Bowie song “Ashes to Ashes”, NASA are to hold an internal inquiry to find out how and why Major Tom was allowed to pilot a space craft knowing full well that he was a junkie.

Also, a special board of inquiry has been set up to find out where “he scored such top quality shit, yeah”.

True fact: You never see Major Tom and celebrity shit-face Kate Moss together. QED.

Drugs: Say no, kids.