Scaryduck's House of Lies

Diagnosis Murder and Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke is the inventor of the popular system which allows you to play movies on your television with a perfect picture from a small disc no more than a few inches across. Hence the name "DVD player".

The Seventeenth Amendment of The Constitution of the United States makes it legal to form a baying hate mob to "chastise witches, wizards, those possessed by demons and un-Americanes"; provided that there is at least one rake, torch or length of rope for each person present.

The Eighteenth Amendment adds that adequate toilet and catering facilities must be provided, plus comprehensive personal insurance in case "ye lynchinge shoulde go wrong".

Albert Einstein hypothesised that the closer you get to a black hole, the slower time progresses.

This theory was proven by Professor Stephen Hawking, who, after constructing a black hole in his Cambridge laboratory, managed to achieve orgasm for thirty-seven years, or ten seconds, depending on your point of view.

Unfortunately, the hideous side-effects of his meddling with the very fabric of space and time, not to mention his trouser parts, are all too clear. His lab assistant, Miss Hitomi Sakamoto, has not been seen since.

Recent scientific research has proved the existence of a taxi driver gene which genetically pre-disposes people to become taxi drivers, go out and buy a beaded seat cover, grow a fat backside and completely forget the street map of the town they have lived in for their entire lives. Examples of behaviour directly attributed to the taxi gene (all experienced by this Scaryduck Corporation researcher in various locations) are:

* Not knowing the location of the largest hotel in town, despite it being a thirty story behemoth with flashing neon sign on the roof visible for miles around (Tokyo)
* Possessing a car with only two speeds: stop and ninety miles per hour, with a radio turned up as loud as possible to drown out the screams of the passengers (Nicosia)
* Mistaking a large building site complete with cement mixers, bastard great holes in the ground and 200 hairy-arsed builders for the Sheraton hotel (Amman)
* An affinity for advanced mathematics, where the number displayed on the meter is a mere fraction of the actual fare. (Everywhere)
* Becoming “matey” with your fare, engaging them in conversation whilst driving three times round the one-way system (Winchester)
* Suddenly developing a bad back as soon as they see the size of your suitcase, instantly cured by the sight of US Dollars (Lagos)
* An irrational fear of the huge-tentacled creatures and brain-eating zombies that reside “Sarf of the River” (London)
* Mistaking the request “Take me to the Hotel Manhattan” for “Take me on a guided tour of the city until the meter shows five figures”. (Seoul)
* Mistaking "Take me to the airport" for "Take me to the nearest tourist trap followed by the duty free shop" (Tunis)

My research continues. Can I go home now?

Red faces all round at the Pentagon, when it was revealed that all-American icon Ronald McDonald is the seven of diamonds on the Government’s “Most Wanted Iraqis” deck of cards. No damage done, Ron will be going straight back to his old job just as soon as he’s back from Guantanamo.

The giant London Eye on the south bank of the Thames in London was built to give the Great British public sedate aerial views of their capital city whilst rotating at a serene two revolutions per hour. However, the first people to ride in the behemoth - a busload of pensioners from a local old people’s home - were involved in a tragic chain of events that led to the near cancellation of the entire project.

The operator, recently recruited from a local funfair, was heard to shout ‘Scream if you want to go faster!’ before cranking the machine up to the maximum 400 revolutions per minute, with the old biddies bouncing around inside like a pair of old boots in a tumble dryer. The survivors were posted home to their nearest and dearest between two sheets of cardboard, while the operator is now in charge of improving services on the London Underground.

The London Eye opened to the public in February 2000, along with its sister attractions the Jubilee Line Ghost Train, the Big Ben Death Slide and the Buckingham Palace House of Horrors.

In order to improve the dental health of the nation, the British government is to add fluoride to all beers, wines and spirits served in British pubs from July 1st 2006.

Children will not be forgotten in this ground-breaking piece of legislation - all alco-pops and three litre bottles of extra strong cider sold in supermarkets and off-licences will come with added fluoride too, along with a cheery message reminding the kiddies to brush their teeth before bedtime.

One of the most frightening weapons of mass destruction – the so-called “Dirty Bomb” owes its existence to maverick evil genius and comedian Professor Benny Hill, who invented the device in a rage after his TV programme was dropped from the schedules.

Originally designed by British scientist Benny Hill, to instil buttock-loosening fear into the population at large the Dirty Bomb comprises a small amount of explosives surrounded by an enormous quantity of used women’s lingerie and 1950’s photographs of young ladies in bikinis. On detonation, entire city blocks are rendered uninhabitable with near-the-knuckle smut, middle-aged men with their trousers round their ankles and the frenzied cry of “Knickers Knackers Knockers!” Hill was deported to America as a dangerously unstable madman, where he later became president.

Alas, the plans have fallen into the hands of Al Qaeda-aligned extremist groups such as the Timmy Mallett Fan Club and the Page Three Liberation Front (Officials) leading to draconian government restrictions on the movement of low-level pornography and the exchange of Benny Hillist propaganda material.

Quantum physics has now shown that Wednesdays are simply Tuesday 22nd of July 1854 repeated again and again. This has led to what is known as a Tuesday/Wednesday paradox where Fridays cease to exist altogether.

Vampires and Werewolves can be kept away from your house at night by repeatedly playing Celine Dion CDs at full volume. This also works for people who are not werewolves or vampires.

Everone knows that the Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich and Laszlo Biro invented the Biro Ballpoint pen. But did you know that the condom was actually invented by the famous Czech genius Pavel Ruba-Jonni?

US President George W Bush is in fact completely unrelated to the 41st president George H W Bush, and the two men have never met.