Scaryduck's House of Lies

Think twice before talking dirty to your wife/girlfriend/mistress on your mobile phone! In order to maximise profits, all calls are routed through your local prison, where the inmates are employed to operate the system as cheap labour.

This is why they are known as “cell” phones.

Punk music: The Sound of the Suburbs – angry music coming up from the streets. Or was it?

Papers just released by the government reveal that the so-called punk music wasn’t as rebellious as it seems, and was, in fact, part of a long-term government strategy to alienate young people, preparing them for long, pointless, lives doing menial jobs.

This highly successful plot owes a great deal to the talents of The Honourable Joseph Strummer and the Third Earl Jonathon Rrotten-Smyth, who were amply rewarded with small islands in the Caribbean, with their good friend Sir Sidney Ruff-Vicious who faked his own death in the publicity stunt to end them all.

In the words of Rrotten-Smyth: "Ever get the feeling you've been had?"

Before settling for the name ‘Yahoo !’, the owners of the World’s favourite search engine tried out several other names with mixed success, such as ‘Felch !’, ‘Net Chicken !’, ‘Robo-Pants !’, ‘Web Spurt !’ and ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete !’

Have you set your internet browser to accept Cookies? The one easy way to find out is to open the cookie tray on the front of your PC (this also doubles up as a CD-ROM drive, such are the miracles of modern technology) and insert a cookie.

We find that chocolate Hob Nobs work the best. If you hear a horrible crunching, groaning sound and your PC stops working, then your machine is not set to accept cookies. Go buy a new one.

The first words ever spoken on a live television broadcast were made by Edgar Ponsonby-Smythe, who uttered the immortal words "Is it on yet? It is ? Oh fuck a pig", and was immediately sacked.