Scaryduck's House of Lies

100% of FACT: Climate Change

2008-04-23T18:21:00.001Z

In order to win the Battle Against Global Warming, citizens are encouraged to keep their fridge doors open at all times.

100% of FACT: Little Chef

2007-12-19T21:17:00.000Z

In order to get around strict advertising rules, all Little Chef restaurants MUST be staffed by people no taller that 4' 6".

100% of FACT: Belle de Jour

2007-10-08T07:26:00.001Z

Much time and energy has been wasted in attempts to ascertain the identity of one of Britain's most enigmatic bloggers, authors and now TV star Belle de Jour.

"Who is this secretive celebrity slattern?" Media Guardian writes.

We know.

We have known for years.

Step forward: Ann Noreen Widdecombe

Sorry. We had to swallow a little bit of sick as well.

100% of FACT: Samuel Pepys

2007-08-31T08:31:00.000Z

Samuel Pepys' diary of 1665 featured a map of Ye Olde London Und'rground inside the back cover.

Pepys and his good friend Sir Isaac Newton played the first recorded game of Mornington Crescent that year, Newton triumphing through the use of the now obsolete Shoreditch Plague Diversion.

100% of FACT: Ann Noreen Widdecombe

2007-08-20T13:09:00.000Z

Celebrity ambulance-chaser and thinking retard's crumpet Ann Noreen Widdecombe, having admitted defeat in her quest to beat prostitution, has decided to throw in her lot and join the slatterns.

She now offers a twenty quid happy finish, which will be VAT and tax-free under a future Conservative government.

100% of FACT: NASA

2007-08-09T08:13:00.000Z

The recent NASA report that revealed drunken and possibly drugged-up behaviour within the Astronaut Corps is nothing but a cover-up.

The organisation has known for years that Major Tom is a junkie.

100% of FACT: The Corrs

2006-10-31T00:52:00.000Z

The Irish band The Corrs are so named because when the girls arrived for their first recording session the chairman of the record company was heard to say ‘Cooooooooooooorrrrrr !!!!’. The name stuck.

100% of FACT: Scandal

2006-10-17T00:54:00.000Z

The government has admitted to supplying the dangerous chemical DiHydrogen Monoxide to every home in the country, despite the substance being implicated in virtually every case of death by drowning on record.

100% of FACT: Pope Benedict

2006-10-05T14:34:00.000Z

Fresh from his controversial remarks that drew the wrath of Muslim communities from around the world, Pope Benedict XVI is set to stir up an all-new hornet's nest with his latest encyclical to be delivered to the Roman Catholic faithful, entitled "The Buddha: Up Yours, Fat Boy".

100% of FACT: Fire

2006-09-22T12:50:00.000Z

Never use the elevator when leaving a building during a fire alarm. This is because the fire brigade need it - hence the phrase ‘fireman’s lift’.

100% of FACT: M. Jagger

2006-08-23T11:32:00.000Z

Today has been declared “World Kick Mick Jagger in the Testicles Day”. If you see the fat-lipped Rolling Stones front-man at any time today, you are entitled to take your best swing at his bollocks.

Steel toe-capped boots and someone to hold his arms will be made available on request.

100% of FACT: Mother Theresa

2006-07-27T00:28:00.000Z

Vatican officials have finally attributed a bona fide miracle to the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, paving the way for the Nobel Prize-winning nun’s sainthood. It is understood that Teresa actually managed to cancel her AOL account at the first attempt, and never once received an “Increease You’re Penis Size” e-mail. A miracle indeed.

Known throughout the world for her kind and gentle nature, Nobel Peace Prize winner Mother Theresa of Calcutta was also an accomplished sportswoman who won a gold medal in wrestling while representing Albania in the 1968 Olympic Games. However, she provoked a huge moral outrage during the medal ceremony when she joined silver medalist Sister Wendy O’Merkin in the infamous “Nun Power” salute from the rostrum.

Research: Riddle of the Sphinx

2006-07-11T00:27:00.000Z

Man has spent years trying to decypher the mysterious and ancient “Riddle of the Sphinx”. Working from our top secret laboratory in the back room of The Plough Inn, Tilehurst, we at the Lie Emporium have risked age-old curses and alcohol poisoning to reveal the riddle and its solution in its entirety :

Pharoah Rameses II : ‘I say, I say, I say ! My Sphinx has no nose’
High Priest of the Temple of Isis : ‘Your Sphinx has no nose ? How does it smell ?’
Pharoah Rameses II : ‘Terrible !’
High Priest of the Temple of Isis : ‘Kindly leave the pyramid’

Which just goes to show that the Riddle of the Sphinx is just about as ancient as you can get.

100% of FACT: Norway

2006-06-23T06:02:00.000Z

Norway's biggest film star is Harrison Fjord, who sprung to fame with the movie Raiders of the Lost Smorgasbord

100% of FACT: Benjamin Franklin

2006-06-05T00:25:00.000Z

A recent discovery by historians uncovered some new pages that had been abridged in the letters written between Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. Here is an example of the missing dialogue:

Franklin: "Are you getting any?"

Jefferson: "Yeah. How about you? You getting any?"

Ben: "Yeah. How about you? You getting any?" etc.

Despite securing his place in history as one of the founders of the modern American state, Ben Franklin is best remembered as the first president and CEO of The Franklin Mint, purveyors of cheesy plates, Star Trek chess sets and tasteful Princess Diana dolls.

Research: The Law

2006-05-12T00:26:00.000Z

Did you know...

• In New York, it is illegal for taxi drivers to operate without a beaded seat cover
• Ostrich racing is forbidden within the city limis of Dallas, Texas

• Californian law forbids the screening of Baywatch, a law upheld in the Supreme Court as “some things just CAN’T be covered by free speech”
• The death penalty still exists in Britain for the crime of “Cow Nudging”

• In Hazzard County, Georgia, them Duke boys are still unable to cross the county line
• In Sydney, Australia, you can be fined up to $500 for “not calling someone Bruce”.

All is not stupidity though. We feel we must salute the fair city of Dresden in Germany, which has instituted the death penalty for street mime and unlicensed juggling.

100% of FACT: Global Warming

2006-04-19T00:29:00.000Z

In order to save the world from the perils of Global Warming, NASA is to launch a manned mission to the sun to install a lower wattage bulb. Citizens are urged to do their bit by leaving their fridge doors open once a week.

100% of FACT: N. Edmonds

2006-03-28T08:14:00.000Z

One in every 10,000 boxes on the tea-time TV blockbuster Deal or No Deal says "Punch Noel Edmonds in the face".

100% of FACT: Flags

2006-03-24T00:25:00.000Z

In the last three years, hospitals in and around the Middle East have registered 2,732 cases of injury caused by burning American flags.

However, it is a little known fact that most of these flags are made in a small factory in Wyoming which is essentially a CIA front, and turns the US government a tidy profit every time some guy in downtown Tehran gets his cigarette lighter out.

100% of FACT: A. Hitler

2006-03-15T00:23:00.000Z

German dictator, mass murderer and famously one-bollocked Adolf Hitler is well-known for writing his fascist manisfesto bestseller “Mein Kampf”. However, you may be interested in other books by the same author :
• Cycling in the Austrian Alps - my 1927 holiday
• Adolf and Eva’s book of love positions
• The National Socialist Party 1942 desk diary
• Adolf Hitler’s book of humourous cat stories
• Gay pick-up points in Berlin and Munich - a visitor’s guide
All are available at your local bookstore, or through www.nazibooksellers.com at reasonable cost.

100% of FACT: Jazz

2006-03-06T19:38:00.002Z

According to the 1967 Scud Description Act, a pornographic movie will not receive a certificate unless it contains the line "It's so hot in here".

Even Eskimo Igloo Orgy III, a classic of the genre, was not exempt.

100% of FACT: Egg

2006-02-26T19:00:00.000Z

One out of every 1,000,000 Cadbury's Creme Egg contains a real chick. Get a real bird, win a Mini Metro!

100% of FACT: E.John

2006-02-22T00:12:00.000Z

After performing a tearful “Candle in the Wind” at the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales, Elton John planned to sing his 1984 hit “I’m Still Standing” by way of an encore. Unfortunately, he was forced to drop the idea when all the religious stuff made the service over-run.

100% of FACT: Nuns

2006-02-10T00:10:00.000Z

Nuns must be fully proficient in all forms of martial arts including Tae-Kwon Do, Judo, Karate and Pub Brawling. They are also trained in every form of kinky fetish, including sex toys, fisting, golden showers and girl-on-girl action so that they know where and when to avoid temptation.

Any nun that can't drink twelve pints of "Heavy" without going to the toilet is drummed out of the order.

100% of FACT: Cars

2006-02-01T00:11:00.000Z

If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you can park anywhere you like, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1979, in which Alan Sunderland scored the winning goal for Arsenal against Man United, following a wicked deflection off Liam Brady's wing mirror.

100% of FACT: Mobile phones

2006-01-24T00:10:00.000Z

Think twice before talking dirty to your wife/girlfriend/mistress on your mobile phone! In order to maximise profits, all calls are routed through your local prison, where the inmates are employed to operate the system as cheap labour.

This is why they are known as “cell” phones.

Research: Punk

2006-01-21T00:13:00.000Z

Punk music: The Sound of the Suburbs – angry music coming up from the streets. Or was it?

Papers just released by the government reveal that the so-called punk music wasn’t as rebellious as it seems, and was, in fact, part of a long-term government strategy to alienate young people, preparing them for long, pointless, lives doing menial jobs.

This highly successful plot owes a great deal to the talents of The Honourable Joseph Strummer and the Third Earl Jonathon Rrotten-Smyth, who were amply rewarded with small islands in the Caribbean, with their good friend Sir Sidney Ruff-Vicious who faked his own death in the publicity stunt to end them all.

In the words of Rrotten-Smyth: "Ever get the feeling you've been had?"

100% of FACT: Yahoo!

2006-01-12T00:07:00.000Z

Before settling for the name ‘Yahoo !’, the owners of the World’s favourite search engine tried out several other names with mixed success, such as ‘Felch !’, ‘Net Chicken !’, ‘Robo-Pants !’, ‘Web Spurt !’ and ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete !’

Research: Get to know your computer

2006-01-04T00:08:00.000Z

Have you set your internet browser to accept Cookies? The one easy way to find out is to open the cookie tray on the front of your PC (this also doubles up as a CD-ROM drive, such are the miracles of modern technology) and insert a cookie.

We find that chocolate Hob Nobs work the best. If you hear a horrible crunching, groaning sound and your PC stops working, then your machine is not set to accept cookies. Go buy a new one.

100% of FACT: The birth of television

2006-01-03T00:06:00.000Z

The first words ever spoken on a live television broadcast were made by Edgar Ponsonby-Smythe, who uttered the immortal words "Is it on yet? It is ? Oh fuck a pig", and was immediately sacked.

Research: The Leap Second

2005-12-31T10:42:00.000Z

As well as adding a leap-second to the end of 2005, scientists are now telling us that, their calculations are wrong and next year will be, unfortunately, 1975.

Flared trousers are back in, Slade are number one, and they've dug up Harold Wilson to be Prime Minister all over again.

100% of FACT: Bubblewrap

2005-12-29T00:06:00.000Z

In order to prevent bubblewrap from getting damaged in en route from factory to customer, it is carefully wrapped in bubblewrap.

100% of FACT: A. G. Bell (d'csd)

2005-12-27T00:10:00.000Z

After inventing the telephone in 1876, the first ever phone call was between inventor Alexander Graham Bell and the Norma Snockers Red Hot SeXXX Line.

The world’s first itemised phone bill arrived two weeks later, which Mrs Bell opened. Bell spent the next two nights sleeping on the couch.

Research: O. Wilde (d'csd)

2005-12-23T00:11:00.000Z

Widely known as one of the world’s greatest wits and authors, Oscar Wilde has now been credited with writing the classic poem:

Here I sit
Broken hearted
Paid my penny
Only farted

The original has been preserved for the nation, and can be inspected in the Gents' toilets at the British Museum.

A word from our sponsors

2005-12-21T13:32:00.000Z

New from the Easy group of companies: EasySlattern: Revolutionising the way you pick up loose women on the internet.

All the EasySlattern staff are in the company colours: orange. So the chances are you'll pay your £9.99 to Stelios and get Judith Chalmers. You gets what you pay for, suckers, and in this case, it's Chlamydia.

100% of FACT: Haircut

2005-12-20T00:05:00.000Z

It is illegal under the 1987 Mullet Prevention Act to cut someone’s hair in Great Britain without first registering as a member of the Worshipful Guild of Barbers, Hair Stylists, Toupee Fitters and Close Harmony Singers. Members are expected to undergo a rigorous training course involving:

* Proper use of scissors and electric cutters in a combat situation
* Correct dispensing technique of “something for the weekend” in order to cause maximum embarrassment to the customer
* Close harmony singing and wigs
* The proper procedure for clipping annoying kids round the ear without the parents noticing
* What to do if you accidentally cut someone’s ear off (run away)
* The reporting of mullet-wearers to the correct authorities. Many senior barbers possess the "Double-O" prefix - the legendary "licence to kill" - to deal with persistent offenders.

Anyone caught operating without a correct Barber’s Licence is liable to a six month prison sentence or face being paraded through local streets with a no.3 bowl haircut and a 1980's Top Man jumper.

100% of FACT: Zebra

2005-12-16T00:13:00.000Z

If you run a barcode scanner over any zebra, it will read the number '666'. Proof positive that this figure is indeed the number of the beast.

100% of FACT: Google

2005-12-14T00:04:00.000Z

Entering the words "search engine" on any popular internet search engine will cause a catastrophic infinite search loop, creating a massive cross-server overload which will eventually crash the entire internet. It’s a known bug which Google and Microsoft have had top people working on for years.

100% of FACT: Yellow Snow

2005-12-12T00:38:00.000Z

Yellow snow is a naturally occurring phenomenon and is perfectly safe to eat.

100% of FACT: Quiz Show

2005-12-09T00:39:00.000Z

The German version of the world’s favourite quiz show is called “Ve Have Vays of Making You a Millionaire”.

100% of FACT: The Great Tower of Clacton

2005-12-08T00:36:00.000Z

The tallest building in the World is the Great Tower of Clacton, standing at an amazing 12 feet tall on the seafront of the English holiday resort. Visitors can pay a small fee to ride the funicular railway to the top, from which you can admire spectacular views of the High Street. On a clear day, you can see as far as Frinton, almost two miles away.

100% of FACT: T. Blair

2005-12-06T00:36:00.000Z

A youthful Tony Blair once appeared on cult TV show “Jim’ll Fix It” where Jimmy Saville fixed it for the young Anthony to be Prime Minister for a day. However, once the cameras packed up and went home, nobody told the boy to stop, and he’s been in the job to this day. Saville, you’re a bastard.

100% of FACT: Opera

2005-12-01T00:34:00.000Z

Ever wondered why opera singers tend to sing the same line over and over and over again? This is just in case there are any Americans in the audience. Take, for example, Act XXIII of Wagner’s Flight of the Oberammerscheissekartofflekopfgeschaft. You may hear:

“The queen is dead ! The queen is dead !
The queen the queen the queen the queen is dead dead dead dead dead
The queen is dead ! The queen is dead !
Dead dead dead dead dead is the queen queen queen queen queen !”

This will be followed by a loud voice from the most expensive seats in the house: “Gee Wilbur… What happened to the Queen ?”

100% of FACT: Van Dyke

2005-11-30T00:33:00.000Z

Diagnosis Murder and Mary Poppins star Dick Van Dyke is the inventor of the popular system which allows you to play movies on your television with a perfect picture from a small disc no more than a few inches across. Hence the name "DVD player".

100% of FACT: America

2005-11-28T00:34:00.000Z

The Seventeenth Amendment of The Constitution of the United States makes it legal to form a baying hate mob to "chastise witches, wizards, those possessed by demons and un-Americanes"; provided that there is at least one rake, torch or length of rope for each person present.

The Eighteenth Amendment adds that adequate toilet and catering facilities must be provided, plus comprehensive personal insurance in case "ye lynchinge shoulde go wrong".

100% of FACT: Hawking

2005-11-23T00:33:00.000Z

Albert Einstein hypothesised that the closer you get to a black hole, the slower time progresses.

This theory was proven by Professor Stephen Hawking, who, after constructing a black hole in his Cambridge laboratory, managed to achieve orgasm for thirty-seven years, or ten seconds, depending on your point of view.

Unfortunately, the hideous side-effects of his meddling with the very fabric of space and time, not to mention his trouser parts, are all too clear. His lab assistant, Miss Hitomi Sakamoto, has not been seen since.

Research: Taxis of the World

2005-11-20T00:40:00.000Z

Recent scientific research has proved the existence of a taxi driver gene which genetically pre-disposes people to become taxi drivers, go out and buy a beaded seat cover, grow a fat backside and completely forget the street map of the town they have lived in for their entire lives. Examples of behaviour directly attributed to the taxi gene (all experienced by this Scaryduck Corporation researcher in various locations) are:

* Not knowing the location of the largest hotel in town, despite it being a thirty story behemoth with flashing neon sign on the roof visible for miles around (Tokyo)
* Possessing a car with only two speeds: stop and ninety miles per hour, with a radio turned up as loud as possible to drown out the screams of the passengers (Nicosia)
* Mistaking a large building site complete with cement mixers, bastard great holes in the ground and 200 hairy-arsed builders for the Sheraton hotel (Amman)
* An affinity for advanced mathematics, where the number displayed on the meter is a mere fraction of the actual fare. (Everywhere)
* Becoming “matey” with your fare, engaging them in conversation whilst driving three times round the one-way system (Winchester)
* Suddenly developing a bad back as soon as they see the size of your suitcase, instantly cured by the sight of US Dollars (Lagos)
* An irrational fear of the huge-tentacled creatures and brain-eating zombies that reside “Sarf of the River” (London)
* Mistaking the request “Take me to the Hotel Manhattan” for “Take me on a guided tour of the city until the meter shows five figures”. (Seoul)
* Mistaking "Take me to the airport" for "Take me to the nearest tourist trap followed by the duty free shop" (Tunis)

My research continues. Can I go home now?

100% of FACT: Ronald

2005-11-15T00:31:00.000Z

Red faces all round at the Pentagon, when it was revealed that all-American icon Ronald McDonald is the seven of diamonds on the Government’s “Most Wanted Iraqis” deck of cards. No damage done, Ron will be going straight back to his old job just as soon as he’s back from Guantanamo.

Breaking News: The London Eye

2005-11-14T08:55:00.000Z

The giant London Eye on the south bank of the Thames in London was built to give the Great British public sedate aerial views of their capital city whilst rotating at a serene two revolutions per hour. However, the first people to ride in the behemoth - a busload of pensioners from a local old people’s home - were involved in a tragic chain of events that led to the near cancellation of the entire project.

The operator, recently recruited from a local funfair, was heard to shout ‘Scream if you want to go faster!’ before cranking the machine up to the maximum 400 revolutions per minute, with the old biddies bouncing around inside like a pair of old boots in a tumble dryer. The survivors were posted home to their nearest and dearest between two sheets of cardboard, while the operator is now in charge of improving services on the London Underground.

The London Eye opened to the public in February 2000, along with its sister attractions the Jubilee Line Ghost Train, the Big Ben Death Slide and the Buckingham Palace House of Horrors.

100% of FACT: Teeth

2005-11-10T00:38:00.000Z

In order to improve the dental health of the nation, the British government is to add fluoride to all beers, wines and spirits served in British pubs from July 1st 2006.

Children will not be forgotten in this ground-breaking piece of legislation - all alco-pops and three litre bottles of extra strong cider sold in supermarkets and off-licences will come with added fluoride too, along with a cheery message reminding the kiddies to brush their teeth before bedtime.

100% of FACT: The Dirty Bomb

2005-11-08T08:41:00.000Z

One of the most frightening weapons of mass destruction – the so-called “Dirty Bomb” owes its existence to maverick evil genius and comedian Professor Benny Hill, who invented the device in a rage after his TV programme was dropped from the schedules.

Originally designed by British scientist Benny Hill, to instil buttock-loosening fear into the population at large the Dirty Bomb comprises a small amount of explosives surrounded by an enormous quantity of used women’s lingerie and 1950’s photographs of young ladies in bikinis. On detonation, entire city blocks are rendered uninhabitable with near-the-knuckle smut, middle-aged men with their trousers round their ankles and the frenzied cry of “Knickers Knackers Knockers!” Hill was deported to America as a dangerously unstable madman, where he later became president.

Alas, the plans have fallen into the hands of Al Qaeda-aligned extremist groups such as the Timmy Mallett Fan Club and the Page Three Liberation Front (Officials) leading to draconian government restrictions on the movement of low-level pornography and the exchange of Benny Hillist propaganda material.

100% of FACT: Quantum

2005-11-07T08:45:00.000Z

Quantum physics has now shown that Wednesdays are simply Tuesday 22nd of July 1854 repeated again and again. This has led to what is known as a Tuesday/Wednesday paradox where Fridays cease to exist altogether.

100% of FACT: C.Dion

2005-11-03T00:15:00.000Z

Vampires and Werewolves can be kept away from your house at night by repeatedly playing Celine Dion CDs at full volume. This also works for people who are not werewolves or vampires.

100% of FACT: Love blobs

2005-11-02T08:58:00.000Z

Everone knows that the Earl of Sandwich invented the sandwich and Laszlo Biro invented the Biro Ballpoint pen. But did you know that the condom was actually invented by the famous Czech genius Pavel Ruba-Jonni?

100% of FACT: Bush

2005-11-01T08:52:00.000Z

US President George W Bush is in fact completely unrelated to the 41st president George H W Bush, and the two men have never met.

100% of FACT: Pop!

2005-10-31T00:19:00.000Z

"I hope I die before I get old" sung King of Pop Cliff Richard as we pogoed round the dance-floor to his hip, swingin' rock'n'roll sounds. And good thing he didn't, otherwise he wouldn't have grown up, done the sex with Lulu and given music fans the raw talent of his son Little Richard. And let's not forget daughter Wendy who now stars in TV's Eastenders.

Other famous pop families include:

* Shakin' Stevens and his glamorous daughter Rachel
* Sonny Bono, and his sprog who's now in The U2: "Edge"
* Ringo Starr and his young 'un Freddie (who found fame as lead singer of A Flock of Seagulls)
* Murray "One Night In Bangkok" Head, whose fabled "One Night" which a two-dorrar floozie "Hey American! She a virgin you know!" led to the spawning of angst-ridden musical legends Radio Head
* Iggy Pop and his "real wild child" Cheggers Plays

And who can forget country music legend Don Williams, whose musical legacy is the greatest of them all: his loving son Robbie, who has since hit the big time with the classic "Angels" and loads of songs about bumming.

From Breadbin: Kelly Jones, Norah Jones, Aled Jones, Jesus Jones and their dad, Tom Jones, who form a family band: The Shits

Breaking News: Prince Charles

2005-10-26T00:17:00.000Z

The hard-working staff at the House of Lies are pleased to see Prince Charles’s marriage to Camilla Parker-Bowles going from strength-to-strength. His Royal Highness the Prince of Wales, Duke of Cornwall and Lord High Hung Like a Shire Horse recently answered a journalist’s question, “Your Highness, how is Camilla?” with the words “Really firm, fruity and gagging for it, the filthy mare”.

Still, it’s nice to see old people happy.

Breaking News: Hollywood

2005-10-25T07:29:00.000Z

Drug-addled film stars Cheech and Chong are to remake the classic action movie “Speed” in their typical doped-up style. Watch out for the Keanu’s never-to-be-forgotten line “There’s a bong on the bus.”

100% of FACT: The A-Team

2005-10-24T00:59:00.000Z

A big screen version of cult TV classic “The A-Team” is to be sponsored by a famous breakfast cereal company.

At the end of the movie, after the bad guys have been roundly defeated by means of a series of loud, non-fatal explosions brought about by everyday household implements, and Mr T has “pitied the fools”, Hannibal Smith is contractually obliged to say “I love it when Alpen comes together.”

100% of FACT: Wheel of Fortune

2005-10-20T00:59:00.000Z

The Welsh version of the popular gameshow ‘Wheel of Fortune’ features no vowels, but allows contestants to buy an ‘L’ for 500 points.

On the other hand, such is the complexity of the language, a typical edition of ‘Wheel of Fortune’ on Chinese Television (top prize - three dogs and a chicken) lasts for 18 hours, and usually ends with one of the contestants dying of exhaustion.

100% of FACT: Bond

2005-10-19T08:57:00.000Z

The director of the top-secret Swedish Security and Intelligence Service goes under the code-name "Double-O Sven".

100% of FACT: D. Bowie, again

2005-10-18T00:23:00.000Z

Comedy Manchester United & Everton defenders Gary and Phillip Neville's father is called (and I swear this bit is actual 100% truth) Neville Neville. So impressed was rock icon David Bowie with this sporting parent extraordinaire, he actually sat down and wrote a song about him:

"Neville Neville put on your dress
Neville Neville your face is a mess
Neville Neville how could they know?
Hot Tramp I love you so!"

Breaking News: The War Against Terrorism (TWAT)

2005-10-17T07:16:00.000Z

The US White House strongly denies that the War on Terror is a complex government plot and a fiction designed solely to erode civil liberties and strengthen despotic laws over the people.

“Nothing can be further than the truth – this war is genuine, ongoing and being fought in the name of freedom, justice, preserving the American way of life and NOT, I repeat NOT whopping great profits for the oil industry”, said Bush spokesman Sam R. Binladen from his office in the East Wing of the White House. “Bloody infidels.”

100% of FACT: Aliens

2005-10-14T00:54:00.000Z

The classic line “Get away from her, you bitch” spoken by Sigourney Weaver during the final fight scene in the film ‘Aliens’, was in fact unscripted. The original line of dialogue, as Ripley emerges in full body armour to battle the alien queen was “Does my bum look big in this?”

100% of FACT: Putin

2005-10-13T07:47:00.000Z

Russian president Vladimir Putin is the great-grandson of another famous Putin: the mad monk Ras Putin. To honour his infamous relative, the multi-talented Russian leader even wrote a song about him, which became a worldwide hit for Boney M. Oh, those Russians.

100% of FACT: Ethiopia an' t'ing

2005-10-12T00:55:00.000Z

Britain's most popular brand of washing-up bowls, brushes and kitchen bins go under the name 'Addis' because they are made in Addis Ababa, and form Ethiopia's main export.

The recent conflict with Eritrea almost brought the Ethiopian kitchen supplies industry to its knees, leaving the door-to-door Kleen-Eze corporation - a wholly-owned subsidiary of the Sudanese Ministry of Works - with a virtual monopoly.

100% of FACT: Science

2005-10-11T00:49:00.000Z

In these days of terrorism, natural disasters and steadily rising oil prices, it is up to SCIENCE to come to the rescue of civilisation with the discovery of cheap, reliable and endless power sources. To this end, researchers have identified two great truisms of scientific knowledge and harnessed them for the good of the world:

* Toast will always land butter side down
* Cats will always land feet first

By gluing a cat to a piece of buttered toast, scientists have discovered a device that will never hit the ground, and when properly balanced, will spin endlessly, movement which can be harnessed in the generation of energy. Scaled up by employing tigers and patented “Pop Tart” technology, sufficient power can be produced to fulfil the needs of much of the developed world, the only by-product being cat poop, which is buried in the traditional style.

Using similar techniques, and by playing Paul McCartney’s “Frog Chorus” at the correct location, scientists have also been able to harness the power of John Lennon spinning in his grave to generate enough electricity to power most of the North West of England.

100% of FACT: George Orwell

2005-10-10T07:18:00.000Z

In his so-called literary masterpiece “1984”, George Orwell described a bleak world where we are ruled and dominated by a totalitarian and oppressive government obsessed with power.

Orwell reckoned Big Brother and his cronies could invade our homes through a small box in the corner of our living rooms, spy on us at all hours, track our very movements and thoughts and generally make our lives a misery with oppressive taxes, laws and misinformation. Wrong! That could never happen in our society. Think again George!

100% of FACT: Cars

2005-10-07T00:46:00.000Z

If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you may park anywhere you like without getting a ticket, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1979, where Arsenal's winning goal is officially credited to "rear spoiler".

Lucky Arsenal, indeed.

100% of FACT: Tourettes

2005-10-06T00:23:00.000Z

The world of entertainment and politics has been struck down by a highly contagious strain of Tourette’s Syndrome, causing disturbing levels of sweariness in public life. Amongst those affected are:

* George W Bush: "The war on terrorism CORKSUCKERS! must be won for the free world"
* Her Majesty the Queen: "It is my pleasure to declare this children's hospital BIG DOG'S MELONS!"
* Captain Jean-Luc Picard: "No, Wesley, we must respect the prime directive FROTTAGE! under all circumstances FROT ME UP!"
* Britney Spears: "Hit me baby one more time WITH YOUR HUGE TROUSER SAUSAGE!"
* His Holiness the Pope: “A blessed TICKLE ME WITH A FRENCH TICKLER SISTER WENDY ACHTUNG! ACHTUNG! Easter to you all”
* Tony Blair: "I maintain there are weapons of mass destruction to be found UP MY WIFE'S GAPING BUNGHOLE!"
* Prince Charles: “So...err... how long have you been a CHEAP KNICKERLESS SLAAAAG!“

However, sources close to Buckingham Palace tell us that Prince Charles is completely free of infection, and he always speaks like that. The foul-mouthed *&%$!.

Breaking News: R.Barker

2005-10-05T00:55:00.000Z

Elton John is to release a tribute record to mark the death of the late, lamented Ronnie Barker who died yesterday.

It'll be called "Four Candles in the Wind."

100% of FACT: The Law

2005-10-04T10:33:00.000Z

So what exactly, does the Master of the Rolls, Britain's top judicial post do? The answer to this question is a simple one: The Master of the Rolls is a traditional post, handed down through the centuries to the most senior judge in the country, usually after a legal career lasting many years, without falling asleep on the job.

He has seen causes celebres come and go, criminals, traitors, politicians and has handed down judgements in some of the most important cases in recent years, and it is now time for him to take it easy. The Master of the Rolls does one job and one job only - he is in charge of the lunch menu at the Old Bailey.

100% of FACT: David Bowie

2005-10-03T15:38:00.000Z

Following his “outing” as a drug user in the David Bowie song “Ashes to Ashes”, NASA are to hold an internal inquiry to find out how and why Major Tom was allowed to pilot a space craft knowing full well that he was a junkie.

Also, a special board of inquiry has been set up to find out where “he scored such top quality shit, yeah”.

True fact: You never see Major Tom and celebrity shit-face Kate Moss together. QED.

Drugs: Say no, kids.