Scaryduck's House of Lies

100% of FACT: Climate Change

2008-04-23T18:21:00.001Z

In order to win the Battle Against Global Warming, citizens are encouraged to keep their fridge doors open at all times.

100% of FACT: Little Chef

2007-12-19T21:17:00.000Z

In order to get around strict advertising rules, all Little Chef restaurants MUST be staffed by people no taller that 4' 6".

100% of FACT: Belle de Jour

2007-10-08T07:26:00.001Z

Much time and energy has been wasted in attempts to ascertain the identity of one of Britain's most enigmatic bloggers, authors and now TV star Belle de Jour.

"Who is this secretive celebrity slattern?" Media Guardian writes.

We know.

We have known for years.

Step forward: Ann Noreen Widdecombe

Sorry. We had to swallow a little bit of sick as well.

100% of FACT: Samuel Pepys

2007-08-31T08:31:00.000Z

Samuel Pepys' diary of 1665 featured a map of Ye Olde London Und'rground inside the back cover.

Pepys and his good friend Sir Isaac Newton played the first recorded game of Mornington Crescent that year, Newton triumphing through the use of the now obsolete Shoreditch Plague Diversion.

100% of FACT: Ann Noreen Widdecombe

2007-08-20T13:09:00.000Z

Celebrity ambulance-chaser and thinking retard's crumpet Ann Noreen Widdecombe, having admitted defeat in her quest to beat prostitution, has decided to throw in her lot and join the slatterns.

She now offers a twenty quid happy finish, which will be VAT and tax-free under a future Conservative government.

100% of FACT: NASA

2007-08-09T08:13:00.000Z

The recent NASA report that revealed drunken and possibly drugged-up behaviour within the Astronaut Corps is nothing but a cover-up.

The organisation has known for years that Major Tom is a junkie.

100% of FACT: The Corrs

2006-10-31T00:52:00.000Z

The Irish band The Corrs are so named because when the girls arrived for their first recording session the chairman of the record company was heard to say ‘Cooooooooooooorrrrrr !!!!’. The name stuck.

100% of FACT: Scandal

2006-10-17T00:54:00.000Z

The government has admitted to supplying the dangerous chemical DiHydrogen Monoxide to every home in the country, despite the substance being implicated in virtually every case of death by drowning on record.

100% of FACT: Pope Benedict

2006-10-05T14:34:00.000Z

Fresh from his controversial remarks that drew the wrath of Muslim communities from around the world, Pope Benedict XVI is set to stir up an all-new hornet's nest with his latest encyclical to be delivered to the Roman Catholic faithful, entitled "The Buddha: Up Yours, Fat Boy".

100% of FACT: Fire

2006-09-22T12:50:00.000Z

Never use the elevator when leaving a building during a fire alarm. This is because the fire brigade need it - hence the phrase ‘fireman’s lift’.

100% of FACT: M. Jagger

2006-08-23T11:32:00.000Z

Today has been declared “World Kick Mick Jagger in the Testicles Day”. If you see the fat-lipped Rolling Stones front-man at any time today, you are entitled to take your best swing at his bollocks.

Steel toe-capped boots and someone to hold his arms will be made available on request.

100% of FACT: Mother Theresa

2006-07-27T00:28:00.000Z

Vatican officials have finally attributed a bona fide miracle to the late Mother Teresa of Calcutta, paving the way for the Nobel Prize-winning nun’s sainthood. It is understood that Teresa actually managed to cancel her AOL account at the first attempt, and never once received an “Increease You’re Penis Size” e-mail. A miracle indeed.

Known throughout the world for her kind and gentle nature, Nobel Peace Prize winner Mother Theresa of Calcutta was also an accomplished sportswoman who won a gold medal in wrestling while representing Albania in the 1968 Olympic Games. However, she provoked a huge moral outrage during the medal ceremony when she joined silver medalist Sister Wendy O’Merkin in the infamous “Nun Power” salute from the rostrum.

Research: Riddle of the Sphinx

2006-07-11T00:27:00.000Z

Man has spent years trying to decypher the mysterious and ancient “Riddle of the Sphinx”. Working from our top secret laboratory in the back room of The Plough Inn, Tilehurst, we at the Lie Emporium have risked age-old curses and alcohol poisoning to reveal the riddle and its solution in its entirety :

Pharoah Rameses II : ‘I say, I say, I say ! My Sphinx has no nose’
High Priest of the Temple of Isis : ‘Your Sphinx has no nose ? How does it smell ?’
Pharoah Rameses II : ‘Terrible !’
High Priest of the Temple of Isis : ‘Kindly leave the pyramid’

Which just goes to show that the Riddle of the Sphinx is just about as ancient as you can get.

100% of FACT: Norway

2006-06-23T06:02:00.000Z

Norway's biggest film star is Harrison Fjord, who sprung to fame with the movie Raiders of the Lost Smorgasbord

100% of FACT: Benjamin Franklin

2006-06-05T00:25:00.000Z

A recent discovery by historians uncovered some new pages that had been abridged in the letters written between Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. Here is an example of the missing dialogue:

Franklin: "Are you getting any?"

Jefferson: "Yeah. How about you? You getting any?"

Ben: "Yeah. How about you? You getting any?" etc.

Despite securing his place in history as one of the founders of the modern American state, Ben Franklin is best remembered as the first president and CEO of The Franklin Mint, purveyors of cheesy plates, Star Trek chess sets and tasteful Princess Diana dolls.

Research: The Law

2006-05-12T00:26:00.000Z

Did you know...

• In New York, it is illegal for taxi drivers to operate without a beaded seat cover
• Ostrich racing is forbidden within the city limis of Dallas, Texas

• Californian law forbids the screening of Baywatch, a law upheld in the Supreme Court as “some things just CAN’T be covered by free speech”
• The death penalty still exists in Britain for the crime of “Cow Nudging”

• In Hazzard County, Georgia, them Duke boys are still unable to cross the county line
• In Sydney, Australia, you can be fined up to $500 for “not calling someone Bruce”.

All is not stupidity though. We feel we must salute the fair city of Dresden in Germany, which has instituted the death penalty for street mime and unlicensed juggling.

100% of FACT: Global Warming

2006-04-19T00:29:00.000Z

In order to save the world from the perils of Global Warming, NASA is to launch a manned mission to the sun to install a lower wattage bulb. Citizens are urged to do their bit by leaving their fridge doors open once a week.

100% of FACT: N. Edmonds

2006-03-28T08:14:00.000Z

One in every 10,000 boxes on the tea-time TV blockbuster Deal or No Deal says "Punch Noel Edmonds in the face".

100% of FACT: Flags

2006-03-24T00:25:00.000Z

In the last three years, hospitals in and around the Middle East have registered 2,732 cases of injury caused by burning American flags.

However, it is a little known fact that most of these flags are made in a small factory in Wyoming which is essentially a CIA front, and turns the US government a tidy profit every time some guy in downtown Tehran gets his cigarette lighter out.

100% of FACT: A. Hitler

2006-03-15T00:23:00.000Z

German dictator, mass murderer and famously one-bollocked Adolf Hitler is well-known for writing his fascist manisfesto bestseller “Mein Kampf”. However, you may be interested in other books by the same author :
• Cycling in the Austrian Alps - my 1927 holiday
• Adolf and Eva’s book of love positions
• The National Socialist Party 1942 desk diary
• Adolf Hitler’s book of humourous cat stories
• Gay pick-up points in Berlin and Munich - a visitor’s guide
All are available at your local bookstore, or through www.nazibooksellers.com at reasonable cost.

100% of FACT: Jazz

2006-03-06T19:38:00.002Z

According to the 1967 Scud Description Act, a pornographic movie will not receive a certificate unless it contains the line "It's so hot in here".

Even Eskimo Igloo Orgy III, a classic of the genre, was not exempt.

100% of FACT: Egg

2006-02-26T19:00:00.000Z

One out of every 1,000,000 Cadbury's Creme Egg contains a real chick. Get a real bird, win a Mini Metro!

100% of FACT: E.John

2006-02-22T00:12:00.000Z

After performing a tearful “Candle in the Wind” at the funeral of Diana, Princess of Wales, Elton John planned to sing his 1984 hit “I’m Still Standing” by way of an encore. Unfortunately, he was forced to drop the idea when all the religious stuff made the service over-run.

100% of FACT: Nuns

2006-02-10T00:10:00.000Z

Nuns must be fully proficient in all forms of martial arts including Tae-Kwon Do, Judo, Karate and Pub Brawling. They are also trained in every form of kinky fetish, including sex toys, fisting, golden showers and girl-on-girl action so that they know where and when to avoid temptation.

Any nun that can't drink twelve pints of "Heavy" without going to the toilet is drummed out of the order.

100% of FACT: Cars

2006-02-01T00:11:00.000Z

If you leave the hazard warning lights flashing on your car, you can park anywhere you like, even on the pitch during the FA Cup Final. You may remember the famous "Capri Ghia" final of 1979, in which Alan Sunderland scored the winning goal for Arsenal against Man United, following a wicked deflection off Liam Brady's wing mirror.